Caustic Course of Presidential Hopefuls One Line Item at a Time

Not Your SAT and LSAT Scores from Middle of the Last Century. We Want to Know How You Did on the Mini Mental State Examination. That's Apple Penny Table in the Corner While You Draw a Clock Face on Your Placemat, Granny.

Fast Food or Casual Dining Politics Served Up Daily.

Hello, My Name is Jeb Bush and I'll be Your President This Evening and Every Evening for the Next Eight Years.

All right, I'm HRC. Two and A Half Billion Dollars Says Put Your Fat Fuckin' Ass In a Seat.

Hi, Chris here. Hey, where'd everybody went?

No tipping, please. I'm Lizzie Warren, and I'll just leave this tomahawk on the table while we wait for a decent minimum wage.

I'm Scott Walker. May I recommend the Caucus Pudding. It's a delightful blend of White Rice, White Milk, White Bread (with Crust Removed) and Egg Whites Baked by Our Lovely Iowa Neighbors in the White Sided House with the White Picket Fence.

it's rand paul, not paul rand. my mother was Mrs. Paul, not ayn rand. we're serving fish sticks. i want to be president with a small p. like i said, we're serving fish sticks.

Down Texas Way They Call Me Professor Perry. Let's face it we seen what brains can do these last several years. I say give Pecos a Chance.

I Heart Huckabees, and Jay Z and Sister Souljah and really any Christian: Man Woman or Trans. You want Guns and Gravy with those Fries?

Marco                                                                                                       Rubio.

You know a vote for Barack Obama made you feel young and hopeful, regardless of your age or condition. A vote for Granny Clinton is just going to make you feel old and resigned.

You're telling me I could be Brad Pitt, Charlie Bronson and Christopher Reeve rolled into one, and just because I happen to be a Mormon, I can't win?